Friday, March 4, 2011

Booty call blog: Kimmi this one's for you!

Hello, my hopefully soon to be people. I am new at this blogging business so bear with me. I decided to start this after my fans (and by fans I mean one single man named Bob, a regular at my job) told me I should blog because he thinks I'm funny. To be honest, I crack not only Bob, but myself, up as well. You'll all probably soon follow, psyche! Anyway, I was originally going to write my first blog about not really knowing how to blog, and about learning the ropes. And then I looked at the clock and realized it was 3:13 am. Many of you may think 3:13 am is some ungodly hour and no one should be awake, let alone writing their first blog at that hour, but you know what I see it as? Last call for a BOOTY CALL. That's right, my friend, co-worker, casual sex mentor, and personal birthday stylist, Kimmi took me under her wing to teach me about prime booty call hours. Many of you may already know this, but for those that don't I want to spread the knowledge.

First things first, booty call hours are between 11pm and 4am.  That's a five hour window. Unfortunately, California state law wants you take a 30 minute break when working a 5 hour shift or more, therefore that's really only 4 and a half hours of business time. So, I say get down to business! Pay attention, the rules get tricky.

10pm-11pm: send text message "hey whats up" and from this point you're gonna chat a little, make small talk, and if all goes to plan, get some.

11pm-12:30am: All right, so you got a late start, no big deal, just send a text along the lines of "you up?" From there you're going to want to work hastily because you don't wanna waste time. No small talk here, get to the point, remember you still need to take your lunch break!

12:30am-2am: Getting later, here's your text "wanna come over" get to the point, please. It's getting late, you lagged and quite frankly, I don't know how much ass you deserve. PS you're probably drunk too.

2am-4am: Ok, you've put it off too long. You don't deserve to do any footwork, and you may come off like an ass when your booty call sobers up and realizes what she did, but that's her problem, her conscience and her eternity she has to face, not yours. Here's your text "?" She knows what's up, and if her drunk ass is still up, she's probably down! I'd say it's a score.

Tips&pointers: Don't push, if she says no, she's got ten other friends that went to the bar with her; and if you're smart, you got their numbers too. Second, don't just have one booty call, that gets boring and leads to attachment, feelings, drama, and faking pregnancies. Have a rotation. Get a few ladies, and don't make one your main girl, you ain't Hugh Heffner, you're Drunkie McHorny, and you gotta do what you gotta do.

In parting, I don't have the balls to do anything I said above. Sex jokes make me giggle and turn red, but I am a great listener and observer. And spreading knowledge is so powerful. So if you read this, be a friend and pass it on! Friends don't let friends go home sober and single!