Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Subway Surprise

I have a wonderfully sheltered roommate that moved to Los Angeles from Sedona, Arizona. She moved from a land where you had to drive three weeks just to go to the grocery store to LA where everything is "about 20 minutes away." Kayla moved her with her belongings and even more baggage-everyone's concerns about what not to do and who to avoid and what times to go out and when to be home by.  I, however, fear things like coyotes, singing karaoke alone, and looking like a fool; I don't fear walking around at 3am or getting to know the Los Angeles homeless population on a first name basis. So my ultimate goal was to bring her out of her comfort zone and see how LA isn't a scary place to be. So I had her start with taking the subway to work rather than drive. My. Bad.

Kayla  had to be at the Convention Center in Downtown LA and I urged her to take the metro downtown rather than drive and pay for parking. She was hesitant, but I talked her into it, telling her that there would be plenty of business people and students traveling by subway and she had nothing to worry about. She took it like a champ! (Shut up, Kimmi, don't be a perv!) She made it to work made it home and couldn't wait to tell me about her trip on the subway.

"Meaghan, there were no business people, its Saturday." Shit. Whatever, I work in retail everyday is a business day to me. "There were no students, it's Saturday." What the fuck ever, I haven't been in school in a while, no day is a school day. "Meaghan, some guy sat next to me and pulled out know..." No, I don't know, his iPad? His briefcase? iPod? "No, his...thing..." and she gestures downward. Score.

Okay. So, I finally persuaded her to take public transportation telling her how safe it will be and some guy sits next to her and pulls his penis out. (And no, she didn't grab it or anything, she's from Arizona, remember?) I didn't know what to tell her. Maybe he needed a breather, I'd imagine it gets stuffy down there. Maybe it was a new penis, (he could have at one time been a she, this is LA after all) and he was trying to see if looked like the real deal. For the record, if it was new, that doctor did a fantastic job seeing as it scared the shit out of my roommate. Either way, the penis and Kayla didn't get much closer than the distance between their seats and Kayla left a stronger woman than before with one more penis to add to her list.

Kayla has taken the subway and other public transportation since this experience and has only become less fearful. Next time someone whips out their goodies in her direction I hope she responds with something just as shocking.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Club Dranx

Both of my roommates are out of town and I'm scared to sleep, so I'm gonna write about my classiest move as a twenty-one year old yet.  Tonight, my friend and I went to a show at the Whisky. We  didn't want to pay for over-priced beers inside the venue,  but we were uneasy about drinking in a parking lot in Hollywood. It's really cool to get busted for underage drinking, but really embarrassing to get busted drinking in a parking lot when you're of legal age to drink. Not to mention my drunk ass has to be at work in the morning. So we took the mature, classy and womanly route.

Alex told me about Club drinks. These little cans of drinks you would get at a bar. They come in bright colored cans and you can get canned Long Island Iced Teas, Pina Coladas, Mudslides and "Vodka Martini." The Long Island was the most potent so we each got one of those and then I got a canned Pina Colada for later. Did I mention they were $2.75 a piece?

I felt a mix of emotions when we went back to the car to drink our canned drinks. I felt scared because how am I gonna explain to my boss that I may not make it into work because I got caught drinking a canned Long Island Iced Tea? I felt stingy as hell, because I didn't want to spend $10 on a beer. But the more I drank, the more I felt like a financially savvy woman. For less than the price of one beer, I got a Long Island, a Pina Colada and a good buzz that lasted most of the night. And it came in a discreet can that you could totally fit inside a pocket of your purse in case you're ever in a situation where you might need a Club drink. Family gatherings, meetings, babysitting. Whatever.

So, I'd like to thank Alex, my friend, for introducing me to my new companion, Club drinks. I want to spread the world to all my alcoholic friends on a budget. All the buzz, a fraction of the price, no tact. That should be the company's slogan. Maybe I'll write them a letter, or something.


Friday, March 4, 2011

Booty call blog: Kimmi this one's for you!

Hello, my hopefully soon to be people. I am new at this blogging business so bear with me. I decided to start this after my fans (and by fans I mean one single man named Bob, a regular at my job) told me I should blog because he thinks I'm funny. To be honest, I crack not only Bob, but myself, up as well. You'll all probably soon follow, psyche! Anyway, I was originally going to write my first blog about not really knowing how to blog, and about learning the ropes. And then I looked at the clock and realized it was 3:13 am. Many of you may think 3:13 am is some ungodly hour and no one should be awake, let alone writing their first blog at that hour, but you know what I see it as? Last call for a BOOTY CALL. That's right, my friend, co-worker, casual sex mentor, and personal birthday stylist, Kimmi took me under her wing to teach me about prime booty call hours. Many of you may already know this, but for those that don't I want to spread the knowledge.

First things first, booty call hours are between 11pm and 4am.  That's a five hour window. Unfortunately, California state law wants you take a 30 minute break when working a 5 hour shift or more, therefore that's really only 4 and a half hours of business time. So, I say get down to business! Pay attention, the rules get tricky.

10pm-11pm: send text message "hey whats up" and from this point you're gonna chat a little, make small talk, and if all goes to plan, get some.

11pm-12:30am: All right, so you got a late start, no big deal, just send a text along the lines of "you up?" From there you're going to want to work hastily because you don't wanna waste time. No small talk here, get to the point, remember you still need to take your lunch break!

12:30am-2am: Getting later, here's your text "wanna come over" get to the point, please. It's getting late, you lagged and quite frankly, I don't know how much ass you deserve. PS you're probably drunk too.

2am-4am: Ok, you've put it off too long. You don't deserve to do any footwork, and you may come off like an ass when your booty call sobers up and realizes what she did, but that's her problem, her conscience and her eternity she has to face, not yours. Here's your text "?" She knows what's up, and if her drunk ass is still up, she's probably down! I'd say it's a score.

Tips&pointers: Don't push, if she says no, she's got ten other friends that went to the bar with her; and if you're smart, you got their numbers too. Second, don't just have one booty call, that gets boring and leads to attachment, feelings, drama, and faking pregnancies. Have a rotation. Get a few ladies, and don't make one your main girl, you ain't Hugh Heffner, you're Drunkie McHorny, and you gotta do what you gotta do.

In parting, I don't have the balls to do anything I said above. Sex jokes make me giggle and turn red, but I am a great listener and observer. And spreading knowledge is so powerful. So if you read this, be a friend and pass it on! Friends don't let friends go home sober and single!